The Unlikeable Child: A Likely Target for Bullying

One of my sixth grade students once asked me why no one liked her for herself.  “People should like me for who I am, but when I act like myself, no one likes me,” she said.  It was both her lament and her puzzle.  She saw herself a leader: an avenger of the downtrodden, helper of the helpless, savvy dresser, and smartest kid in the class.  The other kids saw her as an arrogant, bossy girl who disrupted class, stuck her nose in others’ business, and had disgusting hygiene problems.  It had been this way since kindergarten, and she had no friends.

A Likely Target for Bullying

Look back to your early school years and think of the student who didn’t have any friends.  What behaviors did she display?  Looking back, you may have empathy for her, but as your child self, it was probably hard to see beyond her behaviors.  My parents encouraged me to play with the kids who didn’t have friends.  I did so at school, but I certainly didn’t invite them to my house to play.  

It’s difficult for kids to separate behaviors from the person.  “Love the child, dislike the behaviors” advice is a tall order even for adults when the behaviors are extreme.  When a child exhibits behaviors other kids don’t like, they stay away from that child.   Worse, they might rebel against her. It’s probable the Unlikeable Girl (or boy) will become a likely target of bullying.  

 Slipping Through the Cracks 

You might wonder how a student can go from kindergarten through sixth grade without changing or even being aware of her behaviors that drive other kids away.  It happens more often than you think.  When signs first appear that kindergarten peers dislike a classmate, there are many variables.  The school environment is new, and the child and teacher are getting to know each other.  Students are learning about their classmates.  It’s hard to tell whether behaviors are due to maturity levels or are a warning of things to come.

By first grade, the child is more familiar with school and classmates.  The class chemistry has changed, and the student should be a little more mature.  Developmental differences among children can still vary widely, though.  Lack of friends now signals a growing concern, and having no friends by second grade should be a glaring red flag.  Whether a child receives the social help she needs now or not depends on several factors.

Hearts Breaking All Over the Place 

Hearts break all over the place when there is an Unlikeable Child.  It’s excruciating to hear other children don’t like your child.  It’s also almost as unbearable for educators to deliver the news.  Because some parents have trouble accepting the news, educators might “soften” the blow by not revealing the complete extent of their concerns.  Time is lost as the student slips further through the cracks.  The atmosphere becomes riper for the child to continue negative social behaviors that can become deeply engrained habits.  Other children have more time to witness the behaviors, form opinions, and to perhaps develop bullying behaviors in response.

A Mental Health Concern 

A sense of belonging is necessary to one’s happiness.  Very few people set out to isolate themselves.  When children display behaviors that repel other kids, an intervention can be as simple as identifying the behaviors and teaching replacement skills.  It could be a mental health issue, though, on the other end of the continuum.  When thinking back to those Unlikeable Children in your life, the ones who became isolated and stayed that way probably had mental health problems.  If mental health concerns didn’t cause the social isolation, the social isolation itself could cause mental health problems.  It’s a chicken and egg thing, but no matter, the result is the same.  The child remained without friends.

Preventing Children from Becoming Unlikeable

1.  Talk about friendship skills with your child.  Use teachable moments to point out behaviors that make or break friendships.

2.  Ask your child how she perceives her friendships. Learn her definitions of friends and friendship. 

3.  Be curious about recess and lunch.  Ask her about the games she played at recess or about the topic of conversation at lunch.  Her answers should allow you to determine if she has been included in recess games or if anyone sat by her at lunch. 

4.  Participate in building an atmosphere of trust between home and school.  Schools and parents alike must be able to trust each other in order to help children.  Addressing friendship skills deficits is uncomfortable for both parents and staff.  If you find yourself or the school participating in a blame game, return to the goal – helping your child with friendship skills – and regroup.

5. Carry out your part of the home-school plan.  If you have agreed to an at-home component of a school plan to help your child attain better friendship skills, be impeccable with your word.  Do what you agree to do. Lack of follow up at home disconnects the entire plan and sets your child up for failure.

6.  Seek help outside the school setting.  When the home-school connection has exhausted all possibilities, it’s time to add another partnership.  Contact your family physician or mental health provider.  It’s much better to rule out a physical or emotional problem or to catch one early than it is to play catch up.   

© 2010 A Way Through, LLC

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