The Real Story on I-Messages
ByDon’t Say How You Feel
“I feel scared when you threaten me. I want you to be nice.” Can you imagine a 7th grade girl saying this to another girl who has threatened her? No? Me neither. That’s just not the way girls talk. And, it would probably make the situation worse.
Educators have been teaching I-messages as a way of stating how you feel and what you want for a long time now. “I feel _________ when you ________ because ___________. I want ____________.” Personally, I think that is a great thing – to be able to know how you feel and to be able to state it without antagonizing the other person. How many adults do you know who can effectively do that? And, to say what you want? Woah! I work with many adults who still haven’t figured that out.
So, what do we do with the I-Message?
Baby vs. Bath Water
Throughout my life, I’ve noticed that many hot topics generate staunch supporters and angry critics. For some reason, people like to go this way or that. Personally, I see lots of shades of grey when I look at the world. I don’t believe in absolute right, wrong, good, or bad. But what I do notice is that some ideas work in some situations, and some ideas work in others. That is how it seems to be with I-Messages. Let’s explore this without throwing the baby out… you know the rest of the saying!
When They Work, They Really Work
OK, so we agree that the previous I-Message wasn’t such a great example. Now, listen to this one… A third grader says to her best friend, “I feel confused when you lie to me. I want to be able to trust you.” Wow! That’s a home run. You can bet her friend will sit up and listen to that. And, if our girl is able to hold strong to this I-Message and stick with her position, I bet she’ll see a change in the lying. If not, she then gets to choose if she wants to stay friends. Either way, she solves her problem.
I-Messages work really well with third through fifth graders, especially if they are feeling confused, annoyed, mad, or betrayed. They can memorize the format and will use it effectively. Here are some situations where an I-Message may work well: artificial bad memory, silent treatment, exclusion, gestures, gossip, manipulation, and possessiveness. Generally, it’s best to stay away from an I-Message if you are feeling scared or frightened.
When you’re dealing with sixth through eighth grade girls, the I-Message format gets an eye-roll. You know the kind! Going with the “I feel— when you—” format often doesn’t feel natural for them. Girls this age can learn to say how they feel and what they want in their own words. For example, “Hannah, it seems like you’re mad at me, and I have no idea why. I can’t read your mind. What’s going on?” Getting comfortable with speaking for herself will take lots of practice, and it really works when it’s said well.
Can you imagine this girl thirty years in the future saying, “I get grossed out when the toilet lid is up. I’d like you to put it down when you’re done!”?
© 2009 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
