Female Bullying: A Common Story

The Common Story of Female Bullying

I hear similar stories each week from school counselors, teachers, parents, and community leaders.  Girls are excluding, hurtfully texting, and generally tormenting each other.

I’m torn between feeling saddened for the many girls I know are hurting each day vs. feeling encouraged by the strong position I see communities beginning to take in the face of emotional bullying among their girls.

When Adults Mess Up

As we address female bullying, we need to be mindful of some traps that can trip us up.  Here are two I’ve noticed:

1.  Wanting to solve the problem for our girls

In an age of helicopter parenting, it’s easy to feel responsible for our daughters’ happiness.  What an awful burden this is, until we come to realize it’s not possible.  No one can make anyone else happy.  Happiness is an inside job.

Educators and parents can get caught in the trap of focusing on rules of niceness.  When we pressure our girls to be nice, they lose the opportunity to claim their emotions and to speak up in an effective way.

2.  Ignoring the problem

As we’re seeing from the increase in incidents of bullycide (children killing themselves as a way out of being bullied), the “girls will be girls” mindset is no longer an option.  We must replace this way of thinking that dealing with mean girls is a rite of passage and just the way it is.  It’s not!

What Adults Are Doing Right

As we become savvier in helping girls deal with hurtful friendships, we take on a new posture – the posture of wise mentor.  Here’s what that looks like:

1.  Seeing girls as naturally creative, resourceful, and whole

When we view girls as powerful beings who are capable of creating experiences they thrive in, we energetically offer them pathways that are empowering.

This perspective now comes easily for me as I have watched my own daughter and many other girls transition from seeing themselves as victims to stepping into a self-view of worthy being.

2.  Coaching from the sidelines

Primarily, our job with girls who are bullying and being bullied is to help them behind the scenes.  The real work is theirs.  We can facilitate discussions on what they want out of their friendships and introduce them to strategies that work in situations similar to what they are facing.

Role playing in a safe environment (practicing effective words, tone of voice, and body language) prepares girls for interacting with their peers in ways that result in authentic friendships.

Where We Go From Here

I am honored to be part of the growing movement of adults actively and assertively teaching emotional and social skills to girls.  I dream of the day when girls and women everywhere feel secure in their own skin and come to understand that we can truly have whatever we want in our lives.

© 2010 A Way Through, LLC

WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com