Author Archive
Relational Aggression in Women: What Are We Teaching Our Girls Online?
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A two-year-old child died recently. He drowned in a swimming pool, a parent’s true nightmare. Controversy immediately arose online, because the child’s mother tweeted the accident and eventually announced his death. Her Twitter timeline showed she had been tweeting most of the day.
In reaction, online moms tweeted support and made suggestions about fundraising for the bereaved family. Others questioned the validity of the death before it was confirmed and cautioned about sending money in case it might be a hoax. Once the death was verified, two clear factions formed. One supported the grieving mother and her choice of tweeting shortly before and after her son’s death. The other questioned the mother’s parenting abilities, suggesting her attention to Twitter led to her son’s death. It devolved from there and went viral. Words became weapons.
Passion and Drama in 140 Characters or Less
The Internet is a wonderful tool that offers ways to give and receive information in a heartbeat. It can also be used to extend help or inflict hurt. In this case, relational aggression (emotional bullying) started within seconds of a mom announcing her child fell into a pool. Twitter is fast. Information flies as rapidly as you can type 140 characters and press send. Even though many heads of reason and compassion were part of this situation, passion and drama took over. Incivility prevailed.
There were tweeted threats (some serious), name-calling, campaigns, taunting, and cyber defaming. National news took notice and various blogs called the participants “mean girls.” These weren’t girls, though. They were grown women.
Do Mean Girls Grow Up to Be Mean Women?
I want to answer that question with a resounding, “No,” but I can’t. I can’t answer it affirmatively, either. We humans all try on the roles of Bully, Bystander, and Target like costumes at some point in our lives. We decide what serves us best. No one wants to think herself or himself a bully; some of us are, though. A plethora of literature exists telling us how to deal with adult bullies: bully bosses, difficult people, and abusive partners.
Children Live What They Learn (and They Know More Than We Think)
Adults play a huge role in children’s lives, and parents are their most important teachers. Children absorb the parts of us we’re proud of as well as the parts we wish not to reveal. If any girls were watching this Twitter war (and I bet some were), they would have witnessed prime examples of grownups bullying. When we teach our girls to display a certain level of human respect and kindness but don’t practice what we preach, they become confused. What if our kids don’t actually see us acting incongruous to what we expect from them? They intuit it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in over twenty-five years of working with kids, it’s that they see and hear more than we think. If we live hypocritically, they eventually figure it out.
What Example Do You Want to Set?
As parents or individuals who work with girls, we have to live what we want them to learn. We need to be authentic and demonstrate respect for others. If we want to help our girls avoid earning the label of “mean girl,” we need to lead by example. Here are five basic tips for parents and other adults who influence children to keep in mind online or in real life (IRL).
- Avoid character assassinations. Speak or write of behaviors you find objectionable rather than people you don’t like.
- Watch what you write online. It may be your blog or your tweets, but making disparaging remarks about others is bullying. Sometimes little girls petulantly say, “It’s my house, and I can do what I want.” We know that tends to be a precursor to upcoming bullying behavior. Some bloggers write, “It’s my blog, and I can say what I want.” They’re right. They can say what they like. Anyone can say what they want when they want, and bullying is still bullying.
- Think before you speak or write. If you can’t say something positive about others, keep quiet and think about it. Think for a long, long time. Keep thinking.
- Think of your words as toothpaste. Once you squeeze toothpaste out of the tube, it’s out. There’s no getting it back in. The same can be said about words – once out they can’t be unsaid. Once they’re online, they’re permanent.
- Apologize when you mess up. We’ve all said or written things we regret. Girls need to see adults own up to their mistakes. It helps them realize we all make mistakes and are accountable for them online and off. Do what you can to mend the situation.
- Imagine your legacy. Test your words to see if they represent how you want to be defined. If your words would land you in the principal’s office as a kid, posting them online will probably earn you the reputation of Bully or Trash Talker rather the Speaker of Truth or Defender of the First Amendment. How do you want to be remembered?
© 2010 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
Ignoring: Helping Girls Understand the Paradox of Non-Response
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Do you know what really frustrates kids? It’s telling them to ignore a problem. Asking children to ignore something that is bothersome doesn’t make sense to them. Why should it? It’s emotionally counterintuitive. That being said, it’s still important to teach children to use the problem-solving strategy of ignoring.
The Why of Ignoring
Problems are solved daily by ignoring. Someone too chatty with you on the subway? Ignore it, but move as soon as you can. Somebody bump into you with his grocery cart? It’s not worth the effort mentioning. You’re an adult, and you understand these things. Children need an explanation, though, if they’re going to understand the value of ignoring unwanted behavior.
We do a great job telling kids to ignore, but we don’t do an adequate job explaining why. It’s as if we assume they’ll know. When kids can’t make a connection between a strategy and an outcome, they are less likely to try the strategy.
Explain the Meaning and Value of Ignoring
Help children understand that most irritating things others do aren’t meant to hurt. Other times mean behaviors can happen on purpose. Use those metaphorical grocery cart bumps as teachable moments to demonstrate why you choose to ignore some things you find unpleasant. Let’s check out what it might sound like.
Did you notice that person bumped into me? I chose to ignore it. It wasn’t a big deal to me, and it was over in seconds. On a scale of 1 – 5, I’d rate it a one for being a very small problem. When I ask you to ignore something, I do this because the problem is small. Ignoring it will probably help keep it small. Here’s what might have happened if I hadn’t ignored being bumped.
I could have stopped the person and asked if he knew he bumped into me. He would have to stop a moment and think of the answer. Then he would answer me, and I’d have to think of what I wanted to say next. The problem could get bigger now or it could get smaller. I could tell him I didn’t like being bumped or let it go. Either way I’ve spent more time on the problem than if I had ignored it. On a scale of 1 – 5, I would say the simple problem became a two because it took up more of my time.
Why Ignoring May Be Difficult for Girls
Brain-based research informs us girls are inclined toward verbal communication and skilled at it as well. It’s their main means for connection. Girls are also wired to recall emotionally charged situations. Thus, an emerging problem can conjure up emotions from past experiences and complicate a new situation, making it harder to ignore. The urge to address the problem, directly or indirectly, is strong.
Ignoring Relational Aggression
When girls are on the receiving end of relational aggression, ignoring can be the best strategy if:
- The relational aggression is new as opposed to a long-standing problem.
- The relational aggression is minor to moderate, something a girl can handle herself.
- Ignoring will diffuse the problem.
The Sound of Silence
Inform girls that actions speak louder than words, and ignoring is an act of silence. Though ignoring is quiet, the messages it sends are quite clear. It implies one or more of the following:
- Your bullying is not working with me.
- What you did or said doesn’t bother me.
- This is not worth my time.
- I have more important things to do.
- I don’t have to give you any attention.
A bully will wonder:
- Did she see or hear me?
- What is she thinking?
- Did my bullying bother her?
- Why didn’t she do anything?
- Did she notice me?
- Did she know I meant to hurt her?
With your guidance, girls will come to understand why ignoring can be a good solution when faced with relational aggression. It won’t be a mystery or just something an adult suggests. Addressing a bullying action with purposeful non-action (ignoring), is a paradoxical solution girls can understand and employ successfully.
© 2009 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
Stopping the Perpetual Cycle of Friendship Problems
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If you stoke a fire, expect a flame
There are friendship problems that never seem to go away. As a parent, educator, or group leader, you know the ones I mean. They may be big, little, or in between, and they keep showing up time and again with the same girl(s) in a cyclic manner. As a parent, you may be devastated. If you work with girls, you may be confused. But if you’re tired and frustrated, it’s a pretty sure bet you’ve invested too much time and energy in a problem that isn’t yours. And it’s time to stop.
Who Owns This Problem, Anyway?
Ask yourself that question. Here’s a direct hint – it’s not you! That is why you are tired and frustrated. You’ve devoted time and energy to a problem that is not yours. It belongs to the girl(s) involved, and you have no control over the outcome. Since the key words are “perpetual” and “cycle,” a reasonable conclusion can be drawn; the girl(s) involved bear their share of responsibility for the problem. You are not responsible for solving a problem that is not yours.
Stoking the Fire
Our best intentions aren’t always best practices. While no one wants to see children hurting, we do them more harm when we try to solve their problems for them. To stop the hurting, theirs and ours, we offer solutions quickly and wait impatiently to see if they’ve worked. We pepper our girls with questions and comments which imply others are the reason for their problems.
“What did she say to you this time?”
“She shouldn’t do that to you!”
“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it.”
“Did anyone hang out with you today?”
“I’m going to call her parents right away. I’m sick of this!”
“What kind of parents would let them do that to you?”
“Are you alright? Did anything bad happen today?”
“I hope your teacher will do a better job watching next time.”
“I’m calling your teacher/principal/school counselor first thing tomorrow!”
“I don’t know what more I can do!”
Can you feel all that air? That’s rhetorical oxygen fanning the flames of friendship problems. Certainly there are times when you need to and should involve others when girls are hurt. The majority of the time, however, you don’t.
Cut Off the Oxygen Supply, Extinguish the Flame, Stop the Cycle
If you want to stop the cycle of girls’ friendship problems, change yourself first. Stop giving the problem undue attention. Never do for a girl what she can do for herself. Teach her problem-solving skills, guide her toward solutions, practice the plan if necessary, quit taking the problem’s temperature, and wait. The rest is up to her. It’s a time-consuming process up front, but the pay-off for your girl(s) and yourself is worth it.
Shifting Attentional Focus to Change the Cycle Forever
If you change your focus from problem-solver to guide, the cycle can’t continue. It will be irrevocably altered if you stay the course. A Guide/Girl conversation will sound something like this:
“They’re doing it again. They’re being mean to me.”
“Again, hmmm?”
“They’re always mean to me!”
“Sounds like you have another problem.”
“Yeah! It always happens!”
“It seems to happen pretty often.”
“ Yes! What am I going to do this time?”
“What ideas do you have?”
“I don’t know what to do! That’s why I’m here!”
“I’m glad to talk with you about it in X minutes. Until then think of two ideas and (draw or write) them down. I’m excited to see what you come up with!”
Right here and now there is a shift in the perpetual cycle of friendship problems. It is two-fold: (1.) The situation has become solution-focused instead of problem focused, and (2.) The responsibility of finding a solution lies with the girl instead of the adult.
Light the Fire of Self-Efficacy to Extinguish Dependence
Stopping the friendship problem cycle is simple but not easy. It takes patience and perseverance up front. Kids need to develop self-efficacy, an I-Can-Do-It attitude, as early as possible. Here’s how to foster it.
First, expect children to be problem-solvers from a very early age. (You know they are! They eat dirt, for heaven’s sake, to figure out what it is!) Second, let them explore and discover friendships independently. Relationship inquiry is messy but necessary for social and emotional growth. Third, expect and accept mistakes – especially in the realm of relationships. Allow girls to clean up their own friendship messes. Think of your role as a guide rather than a personal assistant. Finally, focus on solutions instead of problems.
Friendship difficulties come and go throughout life. Girls who learn to take responsibility for solving relationship problems now are less likely to become stuck in unhealthy relationship patterns later. What a fabulous life skill to encourage!
© 2009 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
The Dehumanizing Effects of Exclusion and the Silent Treatment
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Bullying through words offers the target an element of existence. Bullying through exclusion and the silent treatment obliterates humanness.
When girls hurt girls, there is always hope for learning. I try to reframe emotional bullying occurrences for girls into opportunities for growth. This is never to minimize the bullying. Never. It is to hold open a space for learning and self-empowerment for the target. There is always a seed of knowledge to carry away. Always. As we guide girls, it’s important to help them build this cache of learning so they can navigate through life in a wiser way.
The Insiders/Outsiders Lesson
And there’s a “but” to this – but it’s sometimes difficult to find any helpful lesson. The times that tend to be most difficult, I find, are when girls experience exclusion through the silent treatment. I’ll show you how potent this combination is by telling you about a classroom counseling lesson I teach. I call it the Insiders and Outsiders. The last time I taught this lesson was with third and fourth graders, boys and girls together.
The Insiders, Part I
I start off by telling the class they are going to be actresses and actors today and tell everyone what part they are to play. I explain nothing is meant personally, and students are only doing what I tell them to do. This set-up is VERY important to protect the feelings of the participants. I then number the students off by ones and twos. The ones, the Insiders, stay inside the classroom, and the twos, the Outsiders, wait outside in the hallway. I tell the Insiders that the Outsiders will soon come into the room. They will try to become part of the Insider Group. The Insiders may decide to let an Outsider into their group if they choose. It’s their decision.
The Outsiders, Part 1
I then go out into the hall to let the Outsiders know what their role is. They are to try to get into the Insider group. They may be as sweet and kind as they wish. They may also promise anything they can think of whether they can deliver or not (think trip to Disney World, candy, money, etc.) They may not use any type of force.
The Process, Part I
The Outsiders then come in and have two minutes to try to talk their way into the Insider group. Nearly everyone makes it into the group the first time. The ones who don’t look frustrated, mad, or sad (even though they are reminded everyone is playing a part). The Outsiders return to the hallway, and the Insiders stay in their same places.
Part II
The Insiders get a new set of instructions. They are not to look at, speak to, or acknowledge the Outsiders in any way. To do this, which is hard for them, they may read or have conversations only with Insiders. The Outsiders are given the same instructions – try to talk your way into the group. Outsiders then enter the room and try for another two minutes to be included. No one gets into the Insiders group this time, though.
We Process
Question to the Outsiders: What was it like for you to try to get into the Insiders group the first time?
- Fun! I got right in!
- Sad. I never got in.
- Frustrating. I had to promise to give them something to get into their group.
Question to the Insiders: What was this activity like for you the first time?
- I liked it! It was fun keeping people out! (Someone always likes the powerful way they feel. Without adult guidance, some children become comfortable with this false sense of power in real life.)
- It was fun, because I let my friends right in.
- It was cool, because I got to decide who I let in.
Question to the Outsiders: What was it like for you the second time?
- Sad. No one would look at me.
- It was harder, because I couldn’t get anyone to talk to me.
- I couldn’t get anyone to notice me.
- It was like I was invisible, and I didn’t even get a chance.
Question to the Insiders: What was it like for you the second time?
- I didn’t like it. I usually talk to people.
- It was OK if I kept reading my book, but I really had to concentrate.
- It was hard, because I couldn’t talk to my friends.
The Wrap Up
Here’s the outcome discussion of the activity. In real life, it’s sad to be excluded, especially when others can become part of a group but you can’t. It’s also degrading when you can’t be accepted for who you are, and you’re only included for what you have or who you pretend to be. It’s more difficult to belong, however, when no one is willing to talk to you or acknowledge your presence. When the silent treatment and exclusion happen over a length of time, you can come to believe they are worthless, hopeless, and insignificant.
Girls often use the combination of the silent treatment and exclusion to block out another girl. Exclusion happens as early as the preschool years, and around the third grade some become knowledgeable enough to use both together. If you are a teacher, counselor, or group leader, try the Insider/Outsider lesson to discuss the devastating effects of the silent treatment and exclusion. If you are a parent, try the activity with your daughter one-on-one. Let her be the Outsider twice and then switch roles. Discuss what it was like for both of you in each role.
Impress upon girls the importance of talking to an adult when they are excluded through the silent treatment, because it doesn’t take long for self-esteem to plummet. Girls will grow in resiliency when they understand they do not have to hang out with anyone who treats them this way.
© 2009 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
“Google Bomb”
Posted by: | CommentsWe love books! In this section you will find books we like that add to the knowledge base of relational aggression or emotional bullying. Our book reviews include the genres of bullying, child development, girls and women, empowerment, and brain research. Let us know if you have a book you’ve written or read that you’d like to recommend.
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Google Bomb by John W Dozier Jr. and Sue Scheff
Reviewed by Jane Balvanz
We all know the drill the flight attendant gives before the plane takes off. “Ladies and gentleman, please note the compartment above where the oxygen masks are stored. In case of an emergency, they will drop down. Please put your oxygen mask on first before assisting children or others.” We know why. If you can’t protect yourself first, you can’t help anyone else.
The Google Bomb book is a metaphoric oxygen mask. If we want to protect our kids from cyber bullying, we need to know what can happen to adults on the Internet. While it’s a wonderful place to communicate, conduct business, and access information, the Internet is also a virtual place with cyber land mines. You can’t navigate around them if you don’t know they exist.
A line from the book made me sit up and take notice: “Parents, if you cannot use and understand the technology your kids are using, then don’t allow them to use it. Period.” This wasn’t a call for parents to shut off their kids’ computers, cell phones, or ban them from technological advances. It was a call for parents to know as much as their children about technology, because what you don’t know about the Internet can hurt you….and your family.
This brings to mind one of my friends. She’s a successful business owner, financially astute, and her business is not Internet dependent. In fact, she’s so successful she doesn’t even have to advertise. She’s savvy, but she doesn’t know how to navigate on a computer let alone access the Internet. Her children know more about this technology than she does. They are six and seven.
Now to the matter of why the Google Bomb book exists. Sue Scheff, renowned and respected child and parent advocate and founder of Parents Universal Resource Experts (P.U.R.E.), became the target of unfathomable Internet defamation. She was hit by a Google Bomb. Because of false, defamatory material written about her on the Internet, she became a magnet for serious cyber stalkers and their followers. For a while, Sue’s life was not her own. Her story reads like the horrifying cyber nightmare you never want to experience and a “how to” in case you do.
Though reeling from cyber abuse, Sue refused to become a victim. She took measures to address the damage done. Lucky for us, John Dozier, Jr. and Sue chose to write this book. We benefit because Google Bomb teaches us ways to protect ourselves and our families from Internet abuse. One invaluable section, Top Ten Steps You Can Take to Protect Yourself Online, outlines how to take action immediately. The steps are preventative – think oxygen mask vs. domino effect. When your reputation is attacked online, the following can fall, one after the other: others’ trust in you, your job performance, your business, your area of expertise, your self-esteem, chances for advancement, and maybe your job. Your children may be teased or shunned because of it, and the result can be on beyond devastating. Just ask Sue.
In the end, Sue won an $11.3M lawsuit against her cyber stalker. The road was long and painful. The verdict was a landmark decision that changed the way we use the Internet. As you seek to guide and protect your children regarding Internet usage, seek to protect yourself as well. Put your own oxygen mask on first.
She Broke Up with Me
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With a sad face and a stream of tears, the student entered my office and said, “She broke up with me.” There was a pause and a heavy sigh followed by, “She was my heart.” I inwardly gasped at the magnitude of emotional intelligence these words carried. Most kids don’t talk like this! Was it teenage angst? Experience with first love lost? No, these were the words of a six-year-old girl. She and her friend had just had a fight.
About 10 years ago, I noticed young elementary school girls used the words “breaking up” when a female friendship was on the rocks. I don’t hear the same words from older girls, so this language is curious to me. I often hear the frustration from groups of girls who want to know what to do, because “we keep breaking up and making up.” They come to my office together with high hopes that their group will stop the cycle of breaking up and making up. The girls are entirely sincere about their worry of estrangement.
I’m encouraged when girls seek help for these breakups, because they really want to get along. They want to remain friends, and wanting that is a very good start toward healing friendships. We talk about behavior patterns, the helpful and hurtful. They tell me all the patterns, and I write them down. The group then identifies their hurtful and helpful patterns. I let them know that patterns can be broken with practice. Who wants to practice positive friendship skills? They all do.
It can take six weeks to break a pattern, but with total effort it can happen in two. When girls are motivated to save friendships, it can happen. Give your daughter or female student(s) the two-week challenge. With their lists of friendship patterns, they can take responsibility for changing their friendship behaviors – the ones that aren’t working for them. There can be fewer breakups, because we all know breaking up is hard to do.
© 2009 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
The New School Year: Starting with a Clean Slate
Posted by: | CommentsLast week we had our school’s ice cream social and meet the teacher night. There was such excitement as students raced around to find out whether they got the “right” teacher and if their friends were in their class.
Kindergarteners marched in with their parents, behind them if they were wary and ahead if they were excited. I like to watch this rite of passage. The kindergarteners start school with clean slates. No one really knows them. These students basically are happy little people, and as a teacher friend of mine once said, “They smell like milk!” They love school, the teacher, the kids, the crayons, and everything in the whole wide world. They are curious little sponges absorbing everything they can.
I like that they start the school year with a clean slate. I wish that for all students of all ages. We have memories, however, which can either be friend or foe. On the friend side, they us let us recall pleasant experiences or caution us to be careful in certain situations. On the foe side, they hold onto negative experiences without factoring in changes as time passes. It’s the foe side that keeps us stuck, doesn’t allow us to clean our slate. and refuses to let others clean theirs.
If your daughter was involved in a relational aggression incident in school last year – be it as bully, target, or bystander – help her start the new school year with a clean slate. We’ve provided three conversation starters you may want to use with your daughter for her unique situation(s).
- If you were a bully, remember that everyone makes mistakes. If you have apologized, made amends, and changed your ways, go back to school with your head held high. Other girls may need time to trust you. Continue to treat others the way you want to be treated. You will attract old or new friends this way. What do you feel about this?
- If you were a bystander who backed a bully or didn’t help the target, learn from your mistakes. If you learned that it’s not OK to support a bully or that you should help a target when you safely can, celebrate! Plan to be a Positive Active Bystander™, a bystander that helps instead of hurts. When you can do this, it shows just how much courage you have. That’s something you can be proud of! Since everyone is a bystander at some time, what ideas can you think of to help yourself become a Positive Active Bystander?
- If you were a target, you may have many different feelings. Sometimes targets feel ashamed, like they are weak or that it’s their fault they were bullied. Remember that no one can make someone bully another person. The bully makes the choice. You are not responsible for others’ choices. If you have learned to stick up for yourself or ask for help when needed, you are one wise girl. What advice do you have for other girls who may become a target of bullying?
Best wishes for a great school year!
A Way Through, LLC is having a contest! To win a When Girls Hurt Girls™ parent pack from the age group of your choice, simply write a comment about this blog post in the box below called “leave a reply” and click the submit comment button. We will draw for the winner and their name will be announced when we publish our next Guiding Girls ezine.
© 2009 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
Relational Aggression and Adult Daughters
Posted by: | CommentsRelational Aggression (RA) in the Workplace
Relational aggression in the workplace is a buzz topic. It’s not new by any means, but people are definitely sitting up and taking notice. I’ve dealt with it myself, but I wasn’t prepared for the maternal inner turmoil I felt when my daughter went through it.
It Happened to MY Daughter!
How can I explain my daughter, Erin? I certainly can’t without bias, so I won’t pretend to try. Erin is easy going and has tons of friends. Tons! She is a person you want to be around, because you feel so good around her. There was no notable relational aggression in her “growing up” years, and she was exceedingly easy to raise. If you want to get a rise out of me, all you have to do is say that boys are much easier to raise than girls. I have kids of both brands. All my children have different temperaments, and in my book, the gender differences didn’t define the degree of ease or difficulty in raising them. Sometime, if he’ll let me, I’ll tell you the story of one son’s bout with relational aggression, but I digress. RA finally found Erin, and it was one of the worst cases I had ever seen.
A Mother’s Inner Writhing
Erin is a social worker in New York City. She is not working at the same place where the RA occurred. The bully was her female boss. Erin called home a lot during that time just to get a pep talk and to debrief. It tore me up inside. She couldn’t eat and lost weight. Depression, anxiety, and despondency were starting to set in. This lasted close to a year, and she suffered throughout that time waiting for the other shoe to drop. She made it through; eventually both she and her boss moved on.
So, What’s the Point?
Oh, my! Your children are always your children. I was so surprised those old protective parental instincts rose to the surface so fiercely. It’s what many parents feel when their daughters are bullied through relational aggression at a younger age. You want to rise up and take matters into you own hands, because it hurts SO much to see your child in pain! Whether you’re a parent of a child or adult, you hurt when they do.
Resiliency
I couldn’t fly from Iowa to New York to solve my daughter’s problems. First of all, she’s a grown woman, and it’s her time to run her own life. Second, it’s not my job to solve her problems – never was, never will be. Third, I can’t afford to fly to New York all that often. Here’s the lesson. Let your child have the major hand in figuring out ways to solve her problems. Your job is to be her guide. The more a child learns to solve her/his own problems, the more resilient they become. Self-esteem and resiliency come from problem solving. Add in the courage it takes to be resilient, and you have a child with sustaining self-esteem, perseverance, and an I-can-do-it attitude. Wouldn’t you like that? Your child would.
Bragging Rights
OK, just a little more about Erin. She’s so adventurous, and I want to be like her when I grow up! She may be afraid at times, but she plunges in and does it anyway. She learned to dance the tango in NY and then traveled to Argentina, land of the tango, to extend the adventure. Right before she visited us in Iowa, she had just returned from Peru. She currently is a social worker for Hospice. I just love that girl!
© 2009 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
So, What if Your Daughter Is the Bully?
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People don’t like bullies. They are written about in literature, glorified to vilified in movies, and downright uncomfortable to devastating to experience. In fact, bullies are on so many peoples’ minds today that some states have mandated anti-bullying programs in school curricula. So, what if your daughter is a bully?
Bullies are Fearful
Please don’t ground her for life just yet. First, let’s examine the motives of a bully, because bullying is usually fear-based. Yes, that’s what I said – bullies are fearful. While they don’t appear so, this is what scares them: potential loss of territory, status, relationships, power, or self-image. Let’s look at some examples.
Mariah is on the honor role and is top academic at her middle school. Esperanza moves in. She has been top academic at her former middle school. Mariah befriends the new girl and encourages Esperanza to join the concert choir with her knowing the long hours it entails. After Esperanza joins, Mariah quits both the choir and the friendship. This manipulative endeavor was Mariah’s way of protecting both her academic status and territory. She did this out of fear, and she accomplished her goal through emotional bullying.
Gina, too, is fearful. She prides herself on looking and acting tough. It keeps everyone in line and gives her a sense of power. Gina has worked hard to earn the titles of Mean Girl and School Bully through bullying others. Yet she is fearful – very fearful – of losing her power. If this happens, others will know what she believes deep down inside to be true. Gina believes she is a nobody with nothing to offer. Her false power masks that.
Creating a Safe Space for Your Daughter
If you find out that your daughter is a bully, ponder first her motivation(s). Then sit down with her to get to the root of the problem. Normalize the conversation by acknowledging that everyone plays the role of the bully at some point in their life. Together, explore what she is getting from her bullying behavior and what it is costing her. This discussion can open the door to working out how to get her needs met in a positive manner.
When I work with parents through A Way Through’s Quick Assist program, I encourage parents to create a safe space for their daughters to:
- Vent
- Gain clarity
- Plan
- Get into action toward friendships that feel good
The parent who shows understanding, holds a lack of judgment, and models values of caring toward others is the one who successfully helps a daughter who is using bullying behavior.
© 2009 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
Tribute to a Rose
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School will be out soon, and yet another sixth grade class will be launched from my school. They’re off to junior high, and it’s exciting to see how they’ve grown and changed. I’ve known most of these students since they were in kindergarten – seven years! Sometimes I feel like they are my own kids, and I have to let go. There is one girl in particular that tugs at my heartstrings. I’ll call her Rose.
Rose is a small girl with a BIG heart. She’s a rare one full of compassion and giving. We all knew she was something special when she entered kindergarten. "Do you need any help?" "You can sit by me!" "Do you want to join us?" "Are you OK?" These are words frequently uttered by Rose. Once I asked a group of girls with friendship problems, “Who in your grade is someone that can get along with everyone?” I wanted them to choose a role model. The girls unanimously chose Rose. That’s a pretty high compliment, for Rose is one out of eighty-one sixth graders.
This week I had a visit from Rose. She felt in the middle of a situation and didn’t know how to handle it. If she sat with either of two girls at lunch, then her regular group wouldn’t sit with her. In my mind, I jumped to the conclusion that her regular friends were being snobby and exclusive. As Rose continued the story, I found out this wasn’t quite the case. It wasn’t that simple.
Rose’s regular friends didn’t want to be around the behaviors of the other two girls. They’re considered loud, disruptive, and are frequently in trouble. Their behaviors are difficult to be around, and the regular friends didn’t want to be subjected to that. The two with difficult behaviors know that Rose will not say no if they ask her to sit by them at lunch first. It all boiled down to Rose.
“Rose,” I said, “what do you want to have happen?”
She answered, “I want them all to get along.”
“Do you think that’s possible?”
“No.”
“What do you want?”
“Well, if I don’t sit by Girl A or Girl B, they’ll get mad at me.”
“Is that the kind of friendship you want?”
“No, but if I don’t sit by them, no one else will.”
“Who owns that problem?”
“They do.”
“Rose, what do YOU want?”
“I want to be with my regular friends.”
And there it was. Rose named what she wanted, a skill that many girls and women find hard to do. She had been sacrificing her wants and needs in order to make someone else happy. That made her an easy target for Girls A and B to use the Friendship Weapon™ called possessiveness. They knew what strings to pull to keep Rose all to themselves.
Rose left my office a happier girl. She had accomplished clarifying what she wanted by contrasting it with what she didn’t want. It’s a relief for girls to be able to do that. Too many times I find that girls subject themselves to “friendships” which compromise their value systems. It’s natural to do this a time or two, but it’s problematic when this becomes a pattern.
The question “what do you want to have happen?” is a very powerful question in helping a girl find her own answers. I’m sending out a wish for clarity for Rose and for all the girls and women in the world!
© 2009 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
