Female Bullying: Being a Victim Is Always a Choice
By · CommentsOften when people talk about relational aggression, or emotional bullying, they refer to the target as the victim. I’m not comfortable with using the term “victim” in this way.
Target does not equal victim. Being a target in an emotional bullying situation means you have been called a mean name, someone started a rumor about you, or perhaps a friend lied to you about plans for the weekend. Someone is trying to hurt you. It’s factual and it’s in someone else’s control.
Being a victim is a choice. Always. Every time. Thinking as a victim is a choice of mindset. No one else can take a girl’s personal power away, but she can certainly give it away. Living as a victim is taking a position where she’s given up and accepted being helpless.
Girls in all three relational aggression roles (bully, target, and bystander) can feel like victims. When a girl thinks as a victim, she blames the outer circumstances for what is happening in her world. It requires focus on unwanted things and prevents her from tapping into her natural state of being – that of a powerful creator.
Overcoming Victimhood
As we help girls move away from seeing themselves as victims in hurtful friendship situations, we need to help them take three important steps:
1. Acknowledge their Emotions
Developing self awareness is key to shedding victimhood. When girls learn to identify and name how they feel, they develop their emotional vocabulary. Once they know how they feel, they’re well on their way to choosing their emotions on purpose, a powerful ability to have in life.
2. Recognize the Choices They Have
Often girls feel boxed in by pressure from other girls, by fear, and by a perception of limited options. When girls learn multiple strategies that prove to be effective in response to emotional bullying, they start to look for solutions that help them keep their dignity.
3. Focus on What They Want, Not on What They Don’t Want
Living as a victim stems from a hard focus on unwanted people and situations. When girls begin to seek out relationships that nourish them and begin to expect that good things will come their way, they shed the skin of victimhood and step into their own power.
Living as a victim serves as a learning experience. By experiencing what we don’t want, we give birth to the seed of what we do want. We have no choice in what happens to us. We have 100% control of how we think and how we feel and what we do. Our reaction determines the next set of circumstances we experience. Being a victim is always a choice.
© 2010 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
Winner of the 2009 Good Parenting Seal
The Birth to Five Book: Confident Childrearing Right from the Start
by Brenda Nixon Reviewed by Jane Balvanz, MSE, RPT
Imagine having the right baby gift for expectant parents every time. Imagine giving a gift so utterly useful, the newborn benefits immediately and forever. Imagine new parents having a such a life-changing, powerful experience from your gift, they share their knowledge with other parents. Imagine giving new parents or yourself The Birth to Five Book by Brenda Nixon.
Reading this book is somewhat like being guided through the first years of parenthood by a wise aunt or knowledgeable big sister. It feels as if Brenda is right there with you holding your hand and saying, “Now, now, dear. This is normal. You’re doing fine.” If The Birth to Five Book had been written when my own children were born, I would have felt much less parenting anxiety. That, in itself, is worth the price of gold! (See page 66 – Ten Tips for Stress-less Parenting)
The book is divided into four chapters: Parenting Your Infant, Parenting Your Toddler, Parenting Your Preschooler, and Parenting Anytime. Each section addresses basic issues parents have about childrearing in early childhood. Brenda’s answers are written straightforwardly in a conversational tone, so parents can get right to the nitty-gritty. After all, who has time to peruse medical books or thesauruses when your children are ages five and younger?
What is impressive about The Birth to Five Book is its range of childhood and parenting topics. One can read about the basics such as mother’s milk, starting solid foods, biting, toilet training, and bad dreams. Brenda goes much farther than this, though. She intermingles milestone markers, early education, and character education. One can learn about growing a reader, traits of toddlers, raising responsible kids, and kindergarten readiness.
Research informs us early childhood is vitally important to a child’s self-esteem, sense of well-being, and learning. The Birth to Five Book addresses the topics essential to giving a child good foundational footing. The bonus? All of this information comes in a book you can easily hold in one hand while holding a baby on your shoulder with a toddler seated in your lap!
Brenda Nixon is a well-known parenting expert and speaker. You can find out more about her at http://www.brendanixon.com/ or on Twitter via @BrendaNixon. Brenda is parent-friendly. She routinely shares her knowledge via her radio show, The Parent’s Plate.
Why Are Girls So Mean?
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Why are girls so mean? This is a common question asked when discussing friendship problems, female bullying, and relational aggression. I do not love the question. It implies that girls, by nature, are mean, and I simply don’t buy into the mean girls culture. When we expect girls to be mean, we will see mean girls everywhere.
The real question is this. When girls are mean, why are they so cruel and relentless? The answer is four-fold. Like the weather, these factors can increase or decrease the likeliness that “conditions are favorable” for unkind relationships.
- Wiring – Female brains are hard-wired to remember emotionally-charged events. This can account for the relentless focusing on past hurts and staying stuck on a problem. Female brains also are wired in a fashion that make girls and women adept at reading social cues and picking up on subtle verbal and tonal inflections. Girls are tuned into non-verbal communication and reading between the lines of the spoken word. The good news is girls have multi-dimensional ways of gathering information. The bad news is girls make assumptions about this information without checking the veracity. Nature rules brain wiring.
- Temperament – This is comprised of the quirks of our personality that make us unique. A girl may be laid back or fussy, inquisitive and free-spirited, or pensive and brooding. As Forrest Gump’s mama used to say, “You never know what you’re gonna get.” Nature is fully in charge of temperament.
- Role-Modeling – Our girls are watching us, and what are they learning? What we do in front of them is a powerful teaching agent. This is where nurture has a chance to trump nature. When we role model problem-solving skills, civility, and acceptance of others, our girls are likely to follow our example. Want to make a BIG difference? The next time someone remarks, “I’m glad I don’t have girls. They’re so much more work, and they’re so mean,” you can reply, “I don’t find that to be true.” Do it. Do it in front of a girl.
- Life Experiences – We can neither control nor predict life experiences. Life hurls at us what it will, and we get to choose how we react. Both nature and nurture come into play with life experiences. Some girls will have experiences that could understandably create ill will and mistrust toward other girls. They will want to seek revenge. They will want to hate. And in some instances, no one would blame them for their reactions. But we must try to guide girls through life experiences toward a place of heathy reactions and choices. We circle back and help them through role modeling.
Girls are not born mean. They are inclined neither toward meanness nor niceness, and they are not destined to be a part of a mean culture. Girls are simply born female. We adults have the opportunity to guide them toward healthy authenticity or toward a culture of mistrust and perceived meanness toward their own gender. What shall we choose?
© 2010 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
Detach from Your Daughter’s Friendship Problems
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Being Detached
I find it interesting to observe parenting styles of other parents. I learn a lot about myself by noticing my reaction to others.
Having spent a week in Virginia Beach in the presence other vacationing families, I had the opportunity to see a variety of approaches to a multitude of situations (lost boy in hotel elevator; tired, hungry girl at the pool; crying girl who wants waffles for breakfast every day; angry boy whose brother took his toy; etc.).
And here’s what I’ve noticed… Parents who remain detached from the drama and upsets of their children do a better job of parenting. Interesting thought, yes? Why would we want to be detached from our children? Let’s explore that…
Detachment as a Yoga Practice
Detachment as a yoga practice is the state of not being influenced by other people or personal feelings.
In Manifest Your Destiny, Wayne Dyer teaches that “when you become the observer, you detach yourself from the outcome. You get your ego and everything in the material world out of the picture, and you allow the highest part of you to observe the circumstance. You remove all that inner turbulence, anguish, fear, and anxiety, and you then replace it with the calmness of a detached observer. The minute you sense that calmness, the solution is at hand. You’re not operating from adrenaline or fear or angst.”
As a parent, when I detach from my child’s drama, I do not enter a state of uncaring apathy. Rather, I become committed to staying grounded in my own sense of well being. From that place, I am able to effectively help my child and to offer her that same feeling of being centered.
Have you ever watched a parent who gets upset, angry, or embarrassed when her child is screaming in public? It’s uncomfortable to watch.
Have you watched a parent who remains calm even when his child is causing a scene? This parent’s reaction acts as a salve to the child’s turbulent emotions.
How to Cultivate Detachment from Your Daughter’s Friendship Problems
When your daughter is struggling with bullying or friendship problems, here are some tips in achieving appropriate detachment:
- Don’t get caught up in the drama. Instead, say, “I can see this is very upsetting to you. What do you want to have happen?”
- Don’t try to solve the problem yourself. Rather, explore appropriate strategies for her situation and let your daughter choose how she wants to handle it.
- Don’t try to stop her from feeling bad. Instead, let her have her feelings. Ask her how it feels when her friend lies to her or excludes her. Sympathize without getting sucked in to the emotion.
- Don’t let yourself get upset. Rather, acknowledge how upsetting this is for her. Let her know that you are confident she’ll solve this problem and that you will be here to help her through it.
What is easy or hard for you in achieving detachment? Share your thoughts by commenting on this blog post or sending an email to CustomerSupport@AWayThrough.com.
© 2010 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
The A – Z Summer Friendship List
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Summer is a time for kid heaven. It’s a time for freedom, friendships, fun, and eventually, “Mom, I have nothing to do.” (For precise expressiveness, the word “mom” must be said in a nasal tone and as if comprised of two syllables.)
Not to worry! Hand this list over to your child and say, “I know just what you can do. *Complete this list by the time summer is over, and you will have practiced most of the skills necessary to build good friendships.”
Apologize – Say you’re sorry when you mess up.
Balance – Balance your time wisely between friends and responsibilities.
Cool – Cool down your temper by deep breathing or walking away.
Dream – Dream about how you want your friendships to be.
Encourage – Encourage someone when they are feeling down or afraid.
Feel – Feel your emotions instead of stuffing them inside.
Give – Give of yourself. Help someone who could use help.
Humble – Be humble when you are complimented on an accomplishment.
Integrate – When someone wants to join you, integrate them into your group.
Judge – Judge friendships on your own experience, not by someone’s opinion.
Kick – Kick a habit that interferes with your friendships.
Laugh – Find someone who makes you laugh. Laughter = friendship magic!
Manage – Manage your commitments and do what you have promised.
Negotiate – Negotiate a compromise in a friendship disagreement.
Oppose – Oppose actions that purposely hurt another.
Praise – Praise someone’s accomplishments.
Quit – Quit a friendship that doesn’t feel good.
Relate – Find a way to relate to someone who is different than you.
Start – Start a new friendship.
Team – Team up with others to have fun.
Understand – Try to understand an opinion different than yours.
Value – Value others who make you feel good about yourself.
Wonder – Wonder about what makes a good friend.
X – X out the negative attitude. No one loves a grump.
Yield – Yield to your friends now and then to share decision-making.
Zip – Zip your lips when you feel like repeating words that hurt.
* Your child has the opportunity to be featured on the A Way Through, LLC website. Just write to us and let us know how your child used the A – Z Summer Friendship List.
© 2010 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
Being Timid
Wimpy, meek, afraid, cowed, fearful, mousy, spineless, submissive, weak, wishy-washy, hesitant, reluctant. These are not traits we want our girls to carry with them into womanhood. Yet many girls are timid when facing another girl who is manipulating, excluding, or lying to them. Timidity often leads to a low sense of self, victim mentality, or passive aggression.
Guiding Girls
Parents and educators are well positioned to help a girl stand up for herself with dignity in a way that diffuses the friendship problem she faces. To effectively guide a girl through a painful friendship, we need to help her learn how to think and how to feel, on purpose. Our job is to teach her that she controls both how she thinks and how she feels – either by default or by conscious choice.
Thoughts and Feelings Before Action
Help your girl get clear on how she wants to think and feel about herself when standing up to a bully in a hurtful friendship situation. Then, she will be ready to explore the words for responding to the bully.
Using Contrast to Gain Clarity
I find that contrast makes a great teaching tool for girls. In order to help your girl get clear about how she wants to feel, it is helpful to look at how she does not like to feel. Here’s a great activity to get her on a positive path…
1. Take out a sheet of paper. Label it, “How I want to feel when I stand up for myself.” Draw a line down the middle of the sheet of paper. Label the left side “Don’t.” Label the right side “Do.”
2. Ask her how she doesn’t like to feel when facing a girl who was mean to her. She might say things like confused, angry, scared, embarrassed, pushy, or nervous. Let her choose the words. If she can’t think of any, offer her a list of negative emotions to choose from. It’s important that they are her words, not yours. List her words down the “Don’t” column.
3. Now, for each negative emotion she’s listed, ask her, “If you don’t want to feel ____, how do you want to feel?” Write these new, positive words down the “Do” column. Again, she may need help identifying the words.
Staying in Clarity
Now, totally ignore the “Don’t” list. Discuss the “Do” list of emotions she said she wants to feel…
- When have you felt ______ before?
- Whom have you seen act in a _____ way? What did they say/do?
- What would it be like to be able to respond to the bully in a _____ way?
Choosing a Response to the Bully
Once she’s clear on how she wants to feel, she’s ready to choose her response to the bully. Use role play scripts to practice different words that will bring her the feeling she is going for.
© 2010 A Way Through, LLCWANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
The Girls’ Bill of Rights
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At one time girls were considered “sugar and spice and everything nice.” It was proper they were seen and not heard, ate like a bird, portrayed themselves as unintelligent, and sought to reach the pinnacle of catching a husband.
Times have changed, and there are new unwritten rules. As girls strive to fit in, they worry about doing it all: getting good grades, looking perfect, performing well in extra-curricular activities, and having the right friends. The result is stress laced with insecurity, often resulting in eating disorders, anxiety, and depression. Will they ever be enough?
As everyday stressors mount, it’s time to let our girls know they are enough. They do not have to do or be anything to be valued. Their sheer existence is enough. Let’s help them grow to become strong, self-actualized women by guaranteeing them The Girls’ Bill of Rights. They are what girls need to get through relational aggression, solve friendship problems, build self-esteem, and become self-assured.
1. The Right to Love Yourself Unconditionally
To love yourself unconditionally means to love yourself just the way you are. You do not have to do more, have more, or be more. Your size and shape do not matter nor do the clothes you wear, the amount of money your family has, your talents, or how smart you are. Be proud of your culture and your background. All of these things make you unique. There is no guarantee others will love you unconditionally. You will have to love and respect yourself. Through loving yourself, you will be able to give and receive more love.
Do you love your child as she is? She has a unique temperament, personality, strengths, deficits, and ways of being which define her. Do not devalue these gifts by wishing her to be different – especially within her earshot. The girl who is loved unconditionally learns to accept herself and others. When you love a girl unconditionally, you allow her to be herself.
2. The Right to Speak Up
You have the right to express your opinions, thoughts, and feelings.
Do you allow girls to speak up? Everyone has the right to her own opinions and thoughts. Help girls express themselves through the filter of civility rather than censorship. A girl who is allowed to speak up learns to speak her mind rather than swallow her feelings or disregard her thoughts.
3. The Right to Explore Your World
You have the right to be curious, ask questions, explore, get dirty, have fun, and learn.
Do you allow girls to explore? Foster curiosity. A girl who is allowed to satisfy her curiosity learns to make discoveries, decisions, and widen her horizons.
4. The Right to Question Authority
You have the right to wonder if adults are right. No one is right all of the time and this includes adults. It’s OK to speak up and express your opinion when you disagree with an adult. Not all adults will like this, but if you approach them respectfully, you will have a better chance of being heard.
Do you allow girls to question authority? There is rarely one right way to do or think about anything. We all learn from each others’ differences. Children need adult guidance, but listening to kids’ viewpoints enlightens us. A girl who can question authority learns to develop a backbone, think independently, and value herself.
5. The Right to Make Mistakes
You have the right to mess up. No one is perfect; we all make mistakes. That’s how we learn. Don’t get stuck thinking you need to be perfect or you’re stupid if you make mistakes. A wise girl takes a lesson away from each mistake.
Do you allow girls to make their own mistakes? There is an instinct to protect our kids from making big mistakes. They do need our guidance; however, mistakes create opportunities to learn. A girl who is allowed to make mistakes is less inclined toward fear and perfectionism and more inclined toward self-efficacy.
6. The Right to Experience the Natural Consequences of Your Actions
You have the right to know that almost everything you do causes something else to happen. When you practice something, you usually get better at what you are trying to do. If you don’t practice, you don’t improve. If you work on making friends, you will probably get friends. If you treat others unkindly, you may not have any friends.
When was the last time you allowed a girl to experience natural consequences? Sheltering a girl from the world creates fear and dependency. When allowed to experience natural consequences of their actions, girls learn resiliency and responsibility.
7. The Right to Have and Express Your Own Feelings
Your feelings are your own, and no one has the right to tell you not to feel a certain way or to tell you what you’re feeling is wrong. Feelings are feelings. You can’t turn them on or off just because someone tells you to. Your feelings are guides that give you information. They help you know things like when to stop something or when to keep on doing what you’re doing.
Do you ever tell a girl what she should or shouldn’t feel? Denying a girl the opportunity to own and express her feelings creates confusion and self-doubt. Adults unwittingly create this situation with good intentions. We often tell girls not to be sad, mad, or scared to protect them from hurt. A girl who learns to have and express her own feelings learns to become strong and trust her own intuitions.
8. The Right to Make Choices
You have the right to make choices in many areas. Parents or other adults may guide you, and you won’t always get your way. The older you get, the more choices you will have. Especially with friendships, you have the right to choose ones that feel good. You can choose to let go of friendships that make you feel sad or miserable.
Do you allow girls opportunities to make choices? Many choices are already made for them as they enter the world. The hospital provides the pink hat while friends give the “I’m a Princess” tee shirt. Grandparents scour toy stores for “girl toys.” Allow girls early on to make choices unencumbered by the media or others’ definitions of what a girl should be. Let girls follow their natural instincts. A girl who is allowed to make choices learns to value herself as an individual without worrying about what others think.
9. The Right to Be Yourself
You have the right to be exactly who you are and express yourself in ways that say, “This is me!” What you like and dislike makes you who you are. Some girls like to hang out indoors while some like to play soccer outdoors. Some like playing soccer indoors. Whether you are artsy, sporty, geeky, musical, natural, girly, noisy, quiet, or anything else, YOU are YOU! You are a wonder.
Do you allow your girl to be herself? Is it OK with you if she dresses in plaids and stripes together? Will you let her sing songs off key at the top of her lungs? Is she allowed to dig in the dirt, conduct experiments, and engage in what she enjoys? Kids like to be like their parents or other adults they respect. They will try out many ways of being just to see how it fits them. Respect these choices, for it’s through trying out different roles that girls learn who they are.
© 2010 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
Female Bullying: A Common Story
By · CommentsThe Common Story of Female Bullying
I hear similar stories each week from school counselors, teachers, parents, and community leaders. Girls are excluding, hurtfully texting, and generally tormenting each other.
I’m torn between feeling saddened for the many girls I know are hurting each day vs. feeling encouraged by the strong position I see communities beginning to take in the face of emotional bullying among their girls.
When Adults Mess Up
As we address female bullying, we need to be mindful of some traps that can trip us up. Here are two I’ve noticed:
1. Wanting to solve the problem for our girls
In an age of helicopter parenting, it’s easy to feel responsible for our daughters’ happiness. What an awful burden this is, until we come to realize it’s not possible. No one can make anyone else happy. Happiness is an inside job.
Educators and parents can get caught in the trap of focusing on rules of niceness. When we pressure our girls to be nice, they lose the opportunity to claim their emotions and to speak up in an effective way.
2. Ignoring the problem
As we’re seeing from the increase in incidents of bullycide (children killing themselves as a way out of being bullied), the “girls will be girls” mindset is no longer an option. We must replace this way of thinking that dealing with mean girls is a rite of passage and just the way it is. It’s not!
What Adults Are Doing Right
As we become savvier in helping girls deal with hurtful friendships, we take on a new posture – the posture of wise mentor. Here’s what that looks like:
1. Seeing girls as naturally creative, resourceful, and whole
When we view girls as powerful beings who are capable of creating experiences they thrive in, we energetically offer them pathways that are empowering.
This perspective now comes easily for me as I have watched my own daughter and many other girls transition from seeing themselves as victims to stepping into a self-view of worthy being.
2. Coaching from the sidelines
Primarily, our job with girls who are bullying and being bullied is to help them behind the scenes. The real work is theirs. We can facilitate discussions on what they want out of their friendships and introduce them to strategies that work in situations similar to what they are facing.
Role playing in a safe environment (practicing effective words, tone of voice, and body language) prepares girls for interacting with their peers in ways that result in authentic friendships.
Where We Go From Here
I am honored to be part of the growing movement of adults actively and assertively teaching emotional and social skills to girls. I dream of the day when girls and women everywhere feel secure in their own skin and come to understand that we can truly have whatever we want in our lives.
© 2010 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
What to Do if Your Child is Bullied at School
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The spotlight is again on bullying in schools due to the gut-wrenching suicide of Phoebe Prince. Phoebe was the 15-year-old girl who moved from Ireland to South Hadley, Massachusetts. She suffered physical and emotional bullying at the hands of some of her classmates. There was a campaign of relational aggression against her via texting, Facebook, and other forms of social media. According to Phoebe, school was becoming intolerable.
It’s essential parents are prepared to work in partnership with their child’s school to squelch bullying. If it becomes necessary to contact the school, the following steps will guide you. Remember, you and the school are allies in your child’s education. Work together. Every child deserves the right to a safe education.
1. Assess the situation – Find the answers to the following questions.
- Is bullying happening? Bullying is a pattern of unwanted behaviors toward another. Conflict is a problem between persons. Kids can misunderstand the difference. All bullying is conflict, but not all conflict is bullying.
- How has your child responded to the bullying? Find out if she has attempted to solve the problem herself and in what way.
- Has your child informed any school authorities? Whether your child is in kindergarten or high school, NEVER assume school authorities have been told. Some kids don’t tell.
- What was the school’s response? Discover if there is a plan in place between your child and an adult in the school.
Proceed to Step 2 if your child will not go to the teacher, you need additional information, or more help is in order.
2. Contact the school authority closest to your child or the situation. If a school authority is already involved, get in touch with this person to exchange information. If your child has not told anyone at school, contact the classroom teacher, homeroom teacher, or school counselor. It is not necessary to go “straight to the top” if the problem is solvable at a different level. It’s appropriate to contact the principal first if the problem is intense or complicated. Although most bullying issues can be solved at the building level, parents should feel free to contact the superintendent or school board when possibilities at the building level are exhausted.
3. Create a home and school collaboration plan. Call, e-mail, or make an appointment with the teacher or counselor. Create a plan of safety within the school setting. Some plans can be as simple as teaching the bullied child to inform the teacher when bullying occurs. Others can be as elaborate as school personnel collecting names of bullies and witnesses, conducting interviews, and creating a custom made plan to protect targets.
4. Monitor the situation with the school as necessary. Safety plans need to be adjusted as time goes along. The best case scenario is an email to the teacher that says – success! Conversely, a bullied student may suffer retaliation when bullies receive consequences, and extra attention then is essential.
© 2010 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
When Girls Eat Lunch in the Bathroom
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Hiding
One of the most heart-breaking stories I hear when I work with girls struggling with friendship problems is when I learn about a girl who eats her lunch in the bathroom at school.
A girl who eats alone in the bathroom is hiding. She’s hiding from being called names. She’s hiding from ugly rumors. She’s hiding from being humiliated.
Invisible
Girls who hide are girls who often slip between the cracks. These girls become very good at being invisible. Their coping mechanism is to disappear. They shrink into themselves and try not to get noticed.
Helping a Hider
Girls who don’t feel safe from emotional bullying at school are girls we have let down. And it doesn’t have to be this way.
The best gift you can give a “hider” is a two-fold message:
1. You are not alone.
A girl feels alone in her exclusion. She comes to believe that she is the only one with these friendship problems. She thinks there must be something wrong with her. What seems obvious to us as adults is painfully missing in a girl’s perspective: that all girls feel insecure in their friendships at some time.
The journal of School Psychology indicates that over 150,000 children stay home from school each year due to relational aggression. Most of these are girls. By letting a girl know that many others have struggled with (and solved) painful friendship problems, you offer a new perspective of possibility.
2. You have choices.
It’s so important for a girl to be heard and to be understood. That’s where our deep sympathy of her problem needs to end. At this point, we have more to offer a girl when we no longer see her problem as a problem. A girl who is being mentored by an adult coming from a place of strong connection to his/her source with a laser focus on finding what feels good is a girl who will learn to solve her problem quicker.
Showing a girl that she has choices is showing her how to move from being stuck to becoming an independent problem solver. As adults, we cannot help her see choices when we are stuck in her problem with her. We must stay out of the drama and pain and offer an objective view of problem solving.
I’ve found that exploring choices together (in response to emotional bullying) and letting the girl choose one that feels comfortable to her works well. For example, some girls will choose to ignore the bullying, some will choose to speak up, some will choose to keep it light. All of these can be great options. And a girl will only become aware of them if she is able to see that she has choices.
Coming Out of the Bathroom
When a girl learns to assert herself as the one in charge of her feelings and her friendships, she emerges from the bathroom.
© 2010 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
