Calling the Other Mother
Recently, I was speaking with a group of 100 parents on the topic of When Girls Hurt Girls™. I was asked a question which I hear frequently… “Why is call the other girl’s parents not listed as one of your 12 strategies for emotional bullying?” My answer is simple… Because it doesn’t work. More often than not, calling the other girl’s parents exacerbates the situation and makes it worse for your daughter. The exception to this rule is when you already have a positive relationship established with the other parents.
Here’s another reason to consider for not calling. What message does this send to your daughter? I’ll tell you what message she will hear… “I’ll solve your problems for you.” Here’s where it’s helpful to step back, way back, and look at what your goal is. Sure, your immediate goal is to help your daughter get out of this hurtful situation. But what is the bigger goal? For me, the bigger goal is always to help my children become independent problem solvers. Taking on their problems doesn’t foster independent thinking.
Telling Her Teacher
If you’re not going to do what pops in your mind first – call the other girl’s parents – what should you do? Now, this may sound like I’m contradicting myself, but, I suggest that you tell your daughter’s teacher. It is interesting to me that many parents are reluctant to do this. They fear retribution.
Here’s what parents fear: My daughter’s teacher will tell the principal, who will call the other girl into his/her office. The other girl will get angry and will get back at my daughter. Revenge for my daughter is scarier than what she is dealing with now.
Here’s the deal, though. More often than not, teachers, counselors, and principals are effective at providing your daughter with a support system that she so desperately needs at school when she is being bullied. Sure, there are exceptions, but my experience tells me that keeping school staff informed when a girl is struggling with relational aggression usually helps her.
Mentoring Your Daughter
Is telling your daughter’s teacher the same as trying to solve her problems for her? No. It is important to remember your role in your daughter’s problems. Your role is that of wise mentor. Your job is to help position her where she can thrive. Then, your work is to guide her behind the scenes. In a female bullying situation, this looks like:
- Active listening without judgment
- Role playing with well-written scripts
- Letting her know you have confidence that she will solve her problem
- Sharing effective strategies for her to choose from
Life is a joy, and life can be hard. When your daughter is in the hard times, remember your role as wise mentor. Give her the tools and support she needs, then stand back and watch her grow.
© 2010 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
A two-year-old child died recently. He drowned in a swimming pool, a parent’s true nightmare. Controversy immediately arose online, because the child’s mother tweeted the accident and eventually announced his death. Her Twitter timeline showed she had been tweeting most of the day.
In reaction, online moms tweeted support and made suggestions about fundraising for the bereaved family. Others questioned the validity of the death before it was confirmed and cautioned about sending money in case it might be a hoax. Once the death was verified, two clear factions formed. One supported the grieving mother and her choice of tweeting shortly before and after her son’s death. The other questioned the mother’s parenting abilities, suggesting her attention to Twitter led to her son’s death. It devolved from there and went viral. Words became weapons.
Passion and Drama in 140 Characters or Less
The Internet is a wonderful tool that offers ways to give and receive information in a heartbeat. It can also be used to extend help or inflict hurt. In this case, relational aggression (emotional bullying) started within seconds of a mom announcing her child fell into a pool. Twitter is fast. Information flies as rapidly as you can type 140 characters and press send. Even though many heads of reason and compassion were part of this situation, passion and drama took over. Incivility prevailed.
There were tweeted threats (some serious), name-calling, campaigns, taunting, and cyber defaming. National news took notice and various blogs called the participants “mean girls.” These weren’t girls, though. They were grown women.
Do Mean Girls Grow Up to Be Mean Women?
I want to answer that question with a resounding, “No,” but I can’t. I can’t answer it affirmatively, either. We humans all try on the roles of Bully, Bystander, and Target like costumes at some point in our lives. We decide what serves us best. No one wants to think herself or himself a bully; some of us are, though. A plethora of literature exists telling us how to deal with adult bullies: bully bosses, difficult people, and abusive partners.
Children Live What They Learn (and They Know More Than We Think)
Adults play a huge role in children’s lives, and parents are their most important teachers. Children absorb the parts of us we’re proud of as well as the parts we wish not to reveal. If any girls were watching this Twitter war (and I bet some were), they would have witnessed prime examples of grownups bullying. When we teach our girls to display a certain level of human respect and kindness but don’t practice what we preach, they become confused. What if our kids don’t actually see us acting incongruous to what we expect from them? They intuit it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in over twenty-five years of working with kids, it’s that they see and hear more than we think. If we live hypocritically, they eventually figure it out.
What Example Do You Want to Set?
As parents or individuals who work with girls, we have to live what we want them to learn. We need to be authentic and demonstrate respect for others. If we want to help our girls avoid earning the label of “mean girl,” we need to lead by example. Here are five basic tips for parents and other adults who influence children to keep in mind online or in real life (IRL).
- Avoid character assassinations. Speak or write of behaviors you find objectionable rather than people you don’t like.
- Watch what you write online. It may be your blog or your tweets, but making disparaging remarks about others is bullying. Sometimes little girls petulantly say, “It’s my house, and I can do what I want.” We know that tends to be a precursor to upcoming bullying behavior. Some bloggers write, “It’s my blog, and I can say what I want.” They’re right. They can say what they like. Anyone can say what they want when they want, and bullying is still bullying.
- Think before you speak or write. If you can’t say something positive about others, keep quiet and think about it. Think for a long, long time. Keep thinking.
- Think of your words as toothpaste. Once you squeeze toothpaste out of the tube, it’s out. There’s no getting it back in. The same can be said about words – once out they can’t be unsaid. Once they’re online, they’re permanent.
- Apologize when you mess up. We’ve all said or written things we regret. Girls need to see adults own up to their mistakes. It helps them realize we all make mistakes and are accountable for them online and off. Do what you can to mend the situation.
- Imagine your legacy. Test your words to see if they represent how you want to be defined. If your words would land you in the principal’s office as a kid, posting them online will probably earn you the reputation of Bully or Trash Talker rather the Speaker of Truth or Defender of the First Amendment. How do you want to be remembered?
© 2010 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
How Overparenting Affects Your Daughter’s Friendships
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We’re getting ready for dinner, and I’m doling out duties like a drill sergeant… “We need more napkins, pour the milk, grab some trivets.” My kids know what to do. They are responsible for setting the table every night (and for cooking dinner some nights).
It’s common for us to have another child over for dinner, and tonight it’s Mariah, a friend of my then 10-year old daughter Libby. Mariah gets assignments and joins in to help. As we’re getting ready to eat, everyone is cutting his/her steak that my husband has grilled. Mariah looks at her big sharp steak knife and says timidly, “My mom doesn’t let me use knives.”
Overparenting is a phenomenon that has spun out of control in this current generation of parents. Kids are put on leashes, kept inside, and monitored continuously. Through controlled exposure to life’s natural challenges, they are ill-prepared for independent problem solving and for discovering what feels right to them.
Recently I spoke with a group of women on the topic of relational aggression (female bullying) among girls in kindergarten through grade 8. I was emphasizing the importance of teaching our girls to learn to solve problems on their own (and giving them permission to screw up). One mom raised her hand and asked, “But what about stranger danger? I investigate and qualify every single person who comes into contact with my daughter – her friend’s parents, her teachers, her coaches, her sitters, EVERYONE. It’s too dangerous out there.”
I have to admit that I don’t share the “danger everywhere” perspective with this mom. Statistics show that risk to our children from strangers is very, very low. But it’s a hot topic in the media, and it can scare us. When we allow ourselves to be controlled by fear, we make poor choices. And this affects our children.
So, how does overparenting affect our daughters’ friendships? When parents are worried about the mean girls their daughters may interact with, and take it upon themselves to solve every painful friendship experience their daughter faces, they send a very dangerous message to their daughters… “You’re not able to solve this. I’ll solve it for you.”
I’ve worked with many parents on how to guide their young daughters through painful friendships. The parents who mentor from the sidelines are the parents whose daughters experience an effective combination of three things:
- Feeling supported
- Being well-equipped with friendship strategies
- Owning the solution to their friendship problems
I like to ask parents what their primary parenting goal is. Personally, my goal for my children is not safety, good grades, well-respected job, nice spouse, etc. My goal for my children is simple… independence and joy. And I firmly believe that by giving my children space, the more likely it is they will experience independence and find joy.
© 2009 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
Do you know what really frustrates kids? It’s telling them to ignore a problem. Asking children to ignore something that is bothersome doesn’t make sense to them. Why should it? It’s emotionally counterintuitive. That being said, it’s still important to teach children to use the problem-solving strategy of ignoring.
The Why of Ignoring
Problems are solved daily by ignoring. Someone too chatty with you on the subway? Ignore it, but move as soon as you can. Somebody bump into you with his grocery cart? It’s not worth the effort mentioning. You’re an adult, and you understand these things. Children need an explanation, though, if they’re going to understand the value of ignoring unwanted behavior.
We do a great job telling kids to ignore, but we don’t do an adequate job explaining why. It’s as if we assume they’ll know. When kids can’t make a connection between a strategy and an outcome, they are less likely to try the strategy.
Explain the Meaning and Value of Ignoring
Help children understand that most irritating things others do aren’t meant to hurt. Other times mean behaviors can happen on purpose. Use those metaphorical grocery cart bumps as teachable moments to demonstrate why you choose to ignore some things you find unpleasant. Let’s check out what it might sound like.
Did you notice that person bumped into me? I chose to ignore it. It wasn’t a big deal to me, and it was over in seconds. On a scale of 1 – 5, I’d rate it a one for being a very small problem. When I ask you to ignore something, I do this because the problem is small. Ignoring it will probably help keep it small. Here’s what might have happened if I hadn’t ignored being bumped.
I could have stopped the person and asked if he knew he bumped into me. He would have to stop a moment and think of the answer. Then he would answer me, and I’d have to think of what I wanted to say next. The problem could get bigger now or it could get smaller. I could tell him I didn’t like being bumped or let it go. Either way I’ve spent more time on the problem than if I had ignored it. On a scale of 1 – 5, I would say the simple problem became a two because it took up more of my time.
Why Ignoring May Be Difficult for Girls
Brain-based research informs us girls are inclined toward verbal communication and skilled at it as well. It’s their main means for connection. Girls are also wired to recall emotionally charged situations. Thus, an emerging problem can conjure up emotions from past experiences and complicate a new situation, making it harder to ignore. The urge to address the problem, directly or indirectly, is strong.
Ignoring Relational Aggression
When girls are on the receiving end of relational aggression, ignoring can be the best strategy if:
- The relational aggression is new as opposed to a long-standing problem.
- The relational aggression is minor to moderate, something a girl can handle herself.
- Ignoring will diffuse the problem.
The Sound of Silence
Inform girls that actions speak louder than words, and ignoring is an act of silence. Though ignoring is quiet, the messages it sends are quite clear. It implies one or more of the following:
- Your bullying is not working with me.
- What you did or said doesn’t bother me.
- This is not worth my time.
- I have more important things to do.
- I don’t have to give you any attention.
A bully will wonder:
- Did she see or hear me?
- What is she thinking?
- Did my bullying bother her?
- Why didn’t she do anything?
- Did she notice me?
- Did she know I meant to hurt her?
With your guidance, girls will come to understand why ignoring can be a good solution when faced with relational aggression. It won’t be a mystery or just something an adult suggests. Addressing a bullying action with purposeful non-action (ignoring), is a paradoxical solution girls can understand and employ successfully.
© 2009 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
“She makes me so mad!” Have you said or thought this to yourself? I know I have. It’s common for us to think that other people make us mad, sad, happy, etc. But I have come to discover that we choose our emotions – either consciously or unconsciously. No one else can make us feel a certain way. We do it to (or for) ourselves. Thinking others have this power over us is a form of victim mentality.
This is a pretty radical concept for many, and it’s an important one to remember when we are helping girls through an emotionally painful experience. Owning our feelings is the key to experiencing a life of freedom. My definition of freedom is when I do not need you to behave in a certain way or for circumstances to be in a certain way for me to feel good. I can get there all by myself.
I have gained profound joy in the management of my own emotions, and I enjoy working with girls to learn to develop this skill for themselves. When girls learn that they have control over what they think and how they feel, it hugely impacts how they experience a relational aggression situation, or any friendship problem.
The key to emotion management for girls is to use their emotions as a guide to tell them when their thoughts are out of alignment with who they really are (divine beings) and what they really want.
Let’s look at a typical example of a friendship problem a young girl is experiencing… Lindsay is having problems with her best friend Sarah. Sarah is becoming very possessive of Lindsay, and is undermining any attempts Lindsay makes at growing friendships with other girls. Lindsay hasn’t known what to do about it, so she’s done nothing. Now she is angry, because Sarah’s possessiveness and manipulation are getting worse, and it’s pushing other friends away.
Here are three simple steps Lindsay can use to feel better (because feeling better is what it’s all about)…
Step 1: Identify the emotion.
Anger is Lindsay’s emotion.
Step 2: Choose an emotion that feels a little better.
Here are some possibilities: frustration, irritation, impatience, hopefulness. Some of these emotions may look negative. But remember – the goal is to feel a little better. Frustration feels pretty darn good when you are coming from angry.
Step 3: Modify what you say to yourself and to others that lines up with how you want to feel.
Now Lindsay is in a position to direct her thoughts, words, and actions toward her desired emotion. Here is an example of self talk she can use… “I know that Sarah really cares about me. She is afraid of losing me. I get to choose who my friends are. I can have other friends and decide if I want to continue my friendship with Sarah.”
Here is what Lindsay could say to Sarah… “Sarah, it’s frustrating to me when you try to keep me from being with other friends. I like to have lots of friends. We can still be friends too.”
Managing one’s emotions is a skill that will serve girls throughout their lives. The trick is to understand that they always have control over how they feel.
© 2009 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
Stopping the Perpetual Cycle of Friendship Problems
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If you stoke a fire, expect a flame
There are friendship problems that never seem to go away. As a parent, educator, or group leader, you know the ones I mean. They may be big, little, or in between, and they keep showing up time and again with the same girl(s) in a cyclic manner. As a parent, you may be devastated. If you work with girls, you may be confused. But if you’re tired and frustrated, it’s a pretty sure bet you’ve invested too much time and energy in a problem that isn’t yours. And it’s time to stop.
Who Owns This Problem, Anyway?
Ask yourself that question. Here’s a direct hint – it’s not you! That is why you are tired and frustrated. You’ve devoted time and energy to a problem that is not yours. It belongs to the girl(s) involved, and you have no control over the outcome. Since the key words are “perpetual” and “cycle,” a reasonable conclusion can be drawn; the girl(s) involved bear their share of responsibility for the problem. You are not responsible for solving a problem that is not yours.
Stoking the Fire
Our best intentions aren’t always best practices. While no one wants to see children hurting, we do them more harm when we try to solve their problems for them. To stop the hurting, theirs and ours, we offer solutions quickly and wait impatiently to see if they’ve worked. We pepper our girls with questions and comments which imply others are the reason for their problems.
“What did she say to you this time?”
“She shouldn’t do that to you!”
“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of it.”
“Did anyone hang out with you today?”
“I’m going to call her parents right away. I’m sick of this!”
“What kind of parents would let them do that to you?”
“Are you alright? Did anything bad happen today?”
“I hope your teacher will do a better job watching next time.”
“I’m calling your teacher/principal/school counselor first thing tomorrow!”
“I don’t know what more I can do!”
Can you feel all that air? That’s rhetorical oxygen fanning the flames of friendship problems. Certainly there are times when you need to and should involve others when girls are hurt. The majority of the time, however, you don’t.
Cut Off the Oxygen Supply, Extinguish the Flame, Stop the Cycle
If you want to stop the cycle of girls’ friendship problems, change yourself first. Stop giving the problem undue attention. Never do for a girl what she can do for herself. Teach her problem-solving skills, guide her toward solutions, practice the plan if necessary, quit taking the problem’s temperature, and wait. The rest is up to her. It’s a time-consuming process up front, but the pay-off for your girl(s) and yourself is worth it.
Shifting Attentional Focus to Change the Cycle Forever
If you change your focus from problem-solver to guide, the cycle can’t continue. It will be irrevocably altered if you stay the course. A Guide/Girl conversation will sound something like this:
“They’re doing it again. They’re being mean to me.”
“Again, hmmm?”
“They’re always mean to me!”
“Sounds like you have another problem.”
“Yeah! It always happens!”
“It seems to happen pretty often.”
“ Yes! What am I going to do this time?”
“What ideas do you have?”
“I don’t know what to do! That’s why I’m here!”
“I’m glad to talk with you about it in X minutes. Until then think of two ideas and (draw or write) them down. I’m excited to see what you come up with!”
Right here and now there is a shift in the perpetual cycle of friendship problems. It is two-fold: (1.) The situation has become solution-focused instead of problem focused, and (2.) The responsibility of finding a solution lies with the girl instead of the adult.
Light the Fire of Self-Efficacy to Extinguish Dependence
Stopping the friendship problem cycle is simple but not easy. It takes patience and perseverance up front. Kids need to develop self-efficacy, an I-Can-Do-It attitude, as early as possible. Here’s how to foster it.
First, expect children to be problem-solvers from a very early age. (You know they are! They eat dirt, for heaven’s sake, to figure out what it is!) Second, let them explore and discover friendships independently. Relationship inquiry is messy but necessary for social and emotional growth. Third, expect and accept mistakes – especially in the realm of relationships. Allow girls to clean up their own friendship messes. Think of your role as a guide rather than a personal assistant. Finally, focus on solutions instead of problems.
Friendship difficulties come and go throughout life. Girls who learn to take responsibility for solving relationship problems now are less likely to become stuck in unhealthy relationship patterns later. What a fabulous life skill to encourage!
© 2009 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
Wrong Thing #1: Girls Aren’t Supposed to be Mean to Each Other
It’s a common thought in parenting circles to think that girls shouldn’t treat each other this way. Says whom?
Try this on… Girls should all get along perfectly, have exquisite emotional and social skills, and treat everyone with the utmost respect. Can you hear violins playing sweetly in the background?
Yeah? Well, here’s the deal. It doesn’t work that way. And, it’s not supposed to work that way. Girls (like everyone else) are on this earth to maneuver through the contrast of our world (which is often sticky, and sometimes painful) to find what feeds their passion and to create joy in their lives. In order to do that and to become clear about what they DO WANT, girls need to experience what they DON’T WANT.
When we help girls recognize that some friends will feel good to be with and others won’t, girls can begin to make choices based on their inner guidance system (emotions). For myself, I’ve found the key to be a healthy combination of two things:
- Lack of resistance (let others’ ugly behaviors roll off like water on a duck)
- Conscious focus on what I want in my relationships
When I’m in that nonresistant, positive-focus zone, I find that beautiful people and experiences show up around every corner. Our work as girl guides is to help girls get into that zone.
Wrong Thing #2: Relational Aggression is Getting Worse and the World Is a Mess
With a little effort, we can find evidence to support any viewpoint on any topic. There are certainly visible signs of problems in our world, and we see statistics on how emotional bullying is affecting girls in increasing numbers. This is real. And yet, we get more of what we pay attention to.
There is so much well-being in this world; it far outweighs the lack of well being. When we look at relational aggression as an overwhelming, unsolvable problem, we add to the problem. We can’t solve relational aggression (or any problem for that matter) from a place of fear and overwhelm. Faith, curiosity, and optimism go much further.
Wrong Thing #3: Emotional Bullying Starts in Middle School
Yes, we see a peak of emotional bullying in the middle school years. But, as any kindergarten (and even pre-school) teacher will tell you, it starts very, very young among girls. Relational Aggression from a five-year old (“I won’t be your friend if you…”) may not be as sophisticated as from a thirteen-year old (“let’s start an I-Hate-Miranda web site”), but the pattern can and does begin in the pre-school years.
Savvy parents start very young guiding their daughters to connect with their personal power and to find and cultivate friendships that feel good.
Wise educators see relational aggression as an issue that needs to be addressed as young as kindergarten. Schools that implement common language and strategies within their school community (and consistently teach these to the youngest of their students) will find they have less relational aggression among their female students as they head into their teens.
© 2009 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
Bullying through words offers the target an element of existence. Bullying through exclusion and the silent treatment obliterates humanness.
When girls hurt girls, there is always hope for learning. I try to reframe emotional bullying occurrences for girls into opportunities for growth. This is never to minimize the bullying. Never. It is to hold open a space for learning and self-empowerment for the target. There is always a seed of knowledge to carry away. Always. As we guide girls, it’s important to help them build this cache of learning so they can navigate through life in a wiser way.
The Insiders/Outsiders Lesson
And there’s a “but” to this – but it’s sometimes difficult to find any helpful lesson. The times that tend to be most difficult, I find, are when girls experience exclusion through the silent treatment. I’ll show you how potent this combination is by telling you about a classroom counseling lesson I teach. I call it the Insiders and Outsiders. The last time I taught this lesson was with third and fourth graders, boys and girls together.
The Insiders, Part I
I start off by telling the class they are going to be actresses and actors today and tell everyone what part they are to play. I explain nothing is meant personally, and students are only doing what I tell them to do. This set-up is VERY important to protect the feelings of the participants. I then number the students off by ones and twos. The ones, the Insiders, stay inside the classroom, and the twos, the Outsiders, wait outside in the hallway. I tell the Insiders that the Outsiders will soon come into the room. They will try to become part of the Insider Group. The Insiders may decide to let an Outsider into their group if they choose. It’s their decision.
The Outsiders, Part 1
I then go out into the hall to let the Outsiders know what their role is. They are to try to get into the Insider group. They may be as sweet and kind as they wish. They may also promise anything they can think of whether they can deliver or not (think trip to Disney World, candy, money, etc.) They may not use any type of force.
The Process, Part I
The Outsiders then come in and have two minutes to try to talk their way into the Insider group. Nearly everyone makes it into the group the first time. The ones who don’t look frustrated, mad, or sad (even though they are reminded everyone is playing a part). The Outsiders return to the hallway, and the Insiders stay in their same places.
Part II
The Insiders get a new set of instructions. They are not to look at, speak to, or acknowledge the Outsiders in any way. To do this, which is hard for them, they may read or have conversations only with Insiders. The Outsiders are given the same instructions – try to talk your way into the group. Outsiders then enter the room and try for another two minutes to be included. No one gets into the Insiders group this time, though.
We Process
Question to the Outsiders: What was it like for you to try to get into the Insiders group the first time?
- Fun! I got right in!
- Sad. I never got in.
- Frustrating. I had to promise to give them something to get into their group.
Question to the Insiders: What was this activity like for you the first time?
- I liked it! It was fun keeping people out! (Someone always likes the powerful way they feel. Without adult guidance, some children become comfortable with this false sense of power in real life.)
- It was fun, because I let my friends right in.
- It was cool, because I got to decide who I let in.
Question to the Outsiders: What was it like for you the second time?
- Sad. No one would look at me.
- It was harder, because I couldn’t get anyone to talk to me.
- I couldn’t get anyone to notice me.
- It was like I was invisible, and I didn’t even get a chance.
Question to the Insiders: What was it like for you the second time?
- I didn’t like it. I usually talk to people.
- It was OK if I kept reading my book, but I really had to concentrate.
- It was hard, because I couldn’t talk to my friends.
The Wrap Up
Here’s the outcome discussion of the activity. In real life, it’s sad to be excluded, especially when others can become part of a group but you can’t. It’s also degrading when you can’t be accepted for who you are, and you’re only included for what you have or who you pretend to be. It’s more difficult to belong, however, when no one is willing to talk to you or acknowledge your presence. When the silent treatment and exclusion happen over a length of time, you can come to believe they are worthless, hopeless, and insignificant.
Girls often use the combination of the silent treatment and exclusion to block out another girl. Exclusion happens as early as the preschool years, and around the third grade some become knowledgeable enough to use both together. If you are a teacher, counselor, or group leader, try the Insider/Outsider lesson to discuss the devastating effects of the silent treatment and exclusion. If you are a parent, try the activity with your daughter one-on-one. Let her be the Outsider twice and then switch roles. Discuss what it was like for both of you in each role.
Impress upon girls the importance of talking to an adult when they are excluded through the silent treatment, because it doesn’t take long for self-esteem to plummet. Girls will grow in resiliency when they understand they do not have to hang out with anyone who treats them this way.
© 2009 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
The Real Story on I-Messages
By · CommentsDon’t Say How You Feel
“I feel scared when you threaten me. I want you to be nice.” Can you imagine a 7th grade girl saying this to another girl who has threatened her? No? Me neither. That’s just not the way girls talk. And, it would probably make the situation worse.
Educators have been teaching I-messages as a way of stating how you feel and what you want for a long time now. “I feel _________ when you ________ because ___________. I want ____________.” Personally, I think that is a great thing – to be able to know how you feel and to be able to state it without antagonizing the other person. How many adults do you know who can effectively do that? And, to say what you want? Woah! I work with many adults who still haven’t figured that out.
So, what do we do with the I-Message?
Baby vs. Bath Water
Throughout my life, I’ve noticed that many hot topics generate staunch supporters and angry critics. For some reason, people like to go this way or that. Personally, I see lots of shades of grey when I look at the world. I don’t believe in absolute right, wrong, good, or bad. But what I do notice is that some ideas work in some situations, and some ideas work in others. That is how it seems to be with I-Messages. Let’s explore this without throwing the baby out… you know the rest of the saying!
When They Work, They Really Work
OK, so we agree that the previous I-Message wasn’t such a great example. Now, listen to this one… A third grader says to her best friend, “I feel confused when you lie to me. I want to be able to trust you.” Wow! That’s a home run. You can bet her friend will sit up and listen to that. And, if our girl is able to hold strong to this I-Message and stick with her position, I bet she’ll see a change in the lying. If not, she then gets to choose if she wants to stay friends. Either way, she solves her problem.
I-Messages work really well with third through fifth graders, especially if they are feeling confused, annoyed, mad, or betrayed. They can memorize the format and will use it effectively. Here are some situations where an I-Message may work well: artificial bad memory, silent treatment, exclusion, gestures, gossip, manipulation, and possessiveness. Generally, it’s best to stay away from an I-Message if you are feeling scared or frightened.
When you’re dealing with sixth through eighth grade girls, the I-Message format gets an eye-roll. You know the kind! Going with the “I feel— when you—” format often doesn’t feel natural for them. Girls this age can learn to say how they feel and what they want in their own words. For example, “Hannah, it seems like you’re mad at me, and I have no idea why. I can’t read your mind. What’s going on?” Getting comfortable with speaking for herself will take lots of practice, and it really works when it’s said well.
Can you imagine this girl thirty years in the future saying, “I get grossed out when the toilet lid is up. I’d like you to put it down when you’re done!”?
© 2009 A Way Through, LLC
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR EZINE OR WEB SITE? You can, as long as you include this complete blurb with it: Female friendship experts Jane Balvanz and Blair Wagner publish A Way Through, LLC’s Guiding Girls ezine. If you’re ready to guide girls in grades K – 8 through painful friendships, get your FREE mini audio workshop and ongoing tips now at www.AWayThrough.com
“Google Bomb”
By · CommentsWe love books! In this section you will find books we like that add to the knowledge base of relational aggression or emotional bullying. Our book reviews include the genres of bullying, child development, girls and women, empowerment, and brain research. Let us know if you have a book you’ve written or read that you’d like to recommend.
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Google Bomb by John W Dozier Jr. and Sue Scheff
Reviewed by Jane Balvanz
We all know the drill the flight attendant gives before the plane takes off. “Ladies and gentleman, please note the compartment above where the oxygen masks are stored. In case of an emergency, they will drop down. Please put your oxygen mask on first before assisting children or others.” We know why. If you can’t protect yourself first, you can’t help anyone else.
The Google Bomb book is a metaphoric oxygen mask. If we want to protect our kids from cyber bullying, we need to know what can happen to adults on the Internet. While it’s a wonderful place to communicate, conduct business, and access information, the Internet is also a virtual place with cyber land mines. You can’t navigate around them if you don’t know they exist.
A line from the book made me sit up and take notice: “Parents, if you cannot use and understand the technology your kids are using, then don’t allow them to use it. Period.” This wasn’t a call for parents to shut off their kids’ computers, cell phones, or ban them from technological advances. It was a call for parents to know as much as their children about technology, because what you don’t know about the Internet can hurt you….and your family.
This brings to mind one of my friends. She’s a successful business owner, financially astute, and her business is not Internet dependent. In fact, she’s so successful she doesn’t even have to advertise. She’s savvy, but she doesn’t know how to navigate on a computer let alone access the Internet. Her children know more about this technology than she does. They are six and seven.
Now to the matter of why the Google Bomb book exists. Sue Scheff, renowned and respected child and parent advocate and founder of Parents Universal Resource Experts (P.U.R.E.), became the target of unfathomable Internet defamation. She was hit by a Google Bomb. Because of false, defamatory material written about her on the Internet, she became a magnet for serious cyber stalkers and their followers. For a while, Sue’s life was not her own. Her story reads like the horrifying cyber nightmare you never want to experience and a “how to” in case you do.
Though reeling from cyber abuse, Sue refused to become a victim. She took measures to address the damage done. Lucky for us, John Dozier, Jr. and Sue chose to write this book. We benefit because Google Bomb teaches us ways to protect ourselves and our families from Internet abuse. One invaluable section, Top Ten Steps You Can Take to Protect Yourself Online, outlines how to take action immediately. The steps are preventative – think oxygen mask vs. domino effect. When your reputation is attacked online, the following can fall, one after the other: others’ trust in you, your job performance, your business, your area of expertise, your self-esteem, chances for advancement, and maybe your job. Your children may be teased or shunned because of it, and the result can be on beyond devastating. Just ask Sue.
In the end, Sue won an $11.3M lawsuit against her cyber stalker. The road was long and painful. The verdict was a landmark decision that changed the way we use the Internet. As you seek to guide and protect your children regarding Internet usage, seek to protect yourself as well. Put your own oxygen mask on first.
